I thought maybe I’d have some huge epiphany or another awakening that made me want to change my ways forever. But, it wasn’t really like that. Personally, I had some emotional challenges that started in February and lasted all year and might very well roll into 2021, because let’s face it, time does not really exist and just because the calendar says it’s January 1st, 2021 does not mean all the teachings from 2020 vanish. I am definitely having smaller realizations about myself, life, and relationships, and perhaps being sober is my catalyst.

What I know I learned from my year of sober curiosity is where my weaknesses with alcohol lie and how alcohol will play its role in my life moving forward.

First, a brief history; I come from a family that enjoys themselves at a good party. Once I became of age, connection with certain family members was usually centered around a glass of wine – or several. College was the traditional experience of binge drinking and once I graduated and throughout my 20’s, I’d enjoy happy hour or nights out at a bar when I could. In more recent years, my early to mid 30’s, though going out drastically slowed as I settled down in life, connection with family and friends continued to be centered around wine (or my preference, Champagne). What I began to become aware of was my behavior and what I felt was a lack of control around drinking socially. It was like I still had a college mentality around drinking; I drank to alter my state.

I first realized this on Halloween night 2018, when we dressed up and had a bunch of friends over to drink and play games. I had to wake up the next day at 5 a.m. During that night I observed that everyone had stopped drinking by 9/9:30 p.m. however, I was still going. At that moment I thought, Shit, I’ll probably be hungover tomorrow. I should stop. The thought of stopping disappointed me – as if I didn’t want to. That alarmed me.

I carried that awareness with me for the rest of the year, not changing my behavior but just observing my behavior and what was happening for me – most of which I do not think I knew.

I thought about having a sober curious 2019 but, I had two occasions that I felt would have been too difficult for me to be in; a good friend’s wedding and my sister’s 40th birthday in Mexico. Though I could count on my hand how many times I drank that year and only altered my state once, I had decided I was going to have my year of complete sobriety in 2020 – obviously unaware of the challenges that would occur – but irrelevant, as a commitment is a commitment.

Sober in 2020

It started off in February with a violent random incident between our dog and cat, and the emotionally abusive way a “friend” suddenly ended our friendship. Both incredible learning experiences for me that though I am still healing from, I am grateful for my perspective now. These experiences happened a week and a half apart, and for several weeks to a couple of months, I cried so many tears, lost so much sleep due to anxiety, and woke up with horrible tension headaches. I’d often think, Oh my goodness, I am not even hungover and I am waking up as if I had a rager the night before. This made me grateful I was not adding to the tension, stress, and sleep disruptions with alcohol.

Though our cat healed from the incident with our dog, he continued to have his own 2020 challenges. His eye was healing and needed drops daily and in time, herpes developed in his eye, as well as kidney and urinary tract infection and kidney disease. As we got control of the herpes, he developed a cornea and bacteria infection, needing 5 different eye drops 3 times a day as well as fluids for his kidneys three days a week. Had I been drinking, I would feel brain fog, fatigue, my skin would be inflamed (which would happen from time to time from the emotional release of crying) and I would probably choose not to show up for my spiritual practices that soothed me during this stressful and sad time. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically drained during certain points of the year. Not to mention the events that were happening in our country at a macro-level.

As quarantine rolled out, everyone was sharing their “quarantine cocktails” on social media; drinking at home either by themselves or with a small group of friends or family. What I was happy to experience was not even a craving. I was completely uninterested in drinking from March through most of the summer. In August there were one or two times that a crisp glass of wine with a girlfriend crept into my temptation but didn’t stay long at all. It passed quickly.

My Weaknesses

Every year in October, my sisters and I come together and have Sister’s Weekend. If it’s my turn to host (in Las Vegas), my Dad joins us for a night (sisters from the same mister). This is where my weakness showed up. Historically, this is how we hang with each other; conversing over wine. It’s how we “bond” or feel a connection. I was so excited to be with my family. In the hours leading up to their arrival, I found a loophole; I thought to myself, I said I would not alter my state, so one glass wouldn’t hurt, right?

It needed to be my decision. My one sister was not drinking either, though she was unsure if she would this weekend. She was reading the book The Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life. She shared about what she was learning from reading this book and it sounds like an enlightening read. Once my dad arrived, I decided that I will have one glass to enjoy with my family, as did my sister who was not drinking either.

That was it, one glass that I didn’t even finish.

Afterward, I started to think about how alcohol will play a role in my life moving forward. I’ve definitely proven to myself that it didn’t control me this year, but at what point does it begin to control me? At what point do I lose connection with myself? I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that.

Here’s what I know; I am not remaining sober for the rest of my life but I do not have any desire to drink to alter my state. I may have a rule for myself as to how many I’ll have when at a social gathering and as for a drink with a girlfriend, well, a drink is enough. I am proud of myself for accomplishing this goal given the stress that unfolded this year. I am grateful that I experienced not having to alter my state and am still able to have a great time with friends and family. Saying “No thank you.” to alcohol and still be able to have a good time when you are around a crowd that you usually drink with is so powerful. To realize that that exists is, at a basic level, pretty cool and at most, pretty life-changing – I guess maybe I did have an awakening that may change my ways forever.

What about you? What’s your relationship like with alcohol? Have you ever considered a month, season, or year of sobriety?