It is not our job to change someone else. It is not someone else’s job to meet our expectations of them. As humans, we tend to place our lack on other people. However, when lack shows up in our life, it is showing us where we need to do the Inner Work. Why is it unhealthy to hold expectations of others?
- We are not allowing them to be who they are in that moment.
- It comes from not accepting them for who they are (which is also a reflection in how we see ourselves).
- It can stem from us having a need to control.
- It can stem from being attached to a specific outcome.
- This could be rooted in anxiety or low self-esteem.
The context in which I am speaking of is a baseline of expectations when in any kind of relationship with someone (perhaps I would assume it be universal); honesty, trustworthy, faithfulness, non-abusive in any way. I am not speaking in the context of an abusive or toxic relationship. If you are being emotionally, mentally, or physically abused, that is an unhealthy, toxic relationship and I would encourage you to seek help with a qualified professional.
What I am speaking of is in terms of how a friend or loved one may show up at any given time in our life. For example;
Vibrationally
Company is coming over or you’re about to have a date night and your partner is not “in the mood” you want them to be in, therefore not matching your vibrational frequency at that moment. Or maybe the person is not able to meet your level of excitement about a particular event.
Actions
A spouse or a friend is not doing something the way you would do it or the way you want them to do it. For example, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the house, dealing with the kids, how they choose to handle a personal relationship outside of yours.
Verbally
Not providing the validation or approval you are seeking.
Not expressing an interest in something you’re interested in.
So what happens for us on a growth level when we can release expectations of others and accept them as they are, allowing them to be where they are at?
- We take responsibility for our own energy and vibration. Our own actions, thoughts, and emotions are not dictated by someone else.
- We are not playing victim and giving our power away to somebody else.
- We build and expand our capacity for compassion and love for the other person.
- But really we are also expanding our capacity of love and compassion for ourself, for when we are not able to show up at our best (cause ya know you’ve been there).
Without a doubt, once you have mastered this lesson your life will become more peaceful.
Here are a few steps that you can do to put this into practice:
First, build awareness that this shows up in your life. To do this you need to be in touch with how you feel and where your vibration is at when interacting with that person. If you allow dissatisfaction to come into your vibration based off of someone else’s vibe, actions, or lack of actions, then this work is for you.
Second, pause before reacting. My free workshop called 3 Steps to Transformation could provide some helpful insight around this step. If you have not listened to it yet, I strongly encourage you to do so. Sign up for my newsletter and receive it for free.
Know that if this is coming up for you, it is because it is an opportunity to grow and overcome a lesson around either,
- acceptance
- letting go
- compassion
- releasing attachment to the outcome
- control
- anxiety
and it is our job to do this Inner Work, not somebody else’s job to change their behavior so that we become happy.
What happens next is the act of reprogramming the subconscious mind through self-talk, journaling, meditation, and affirmations. I might even encourage you to buy a crystal that helps with any of the above triggers as a reminder to do the Inner Work.
It’s always an option to communicate with others about what you want or need from the relationship but it is very important for you to not blur the lines of a true want verse a true need. Most of the time it is probably a want over a need, and I encourage you to be honest with yourself on that front. All you can do is communicate what you desire, but you must release attachment to a specific outcome. In the end, most people are doing the best they can with where they are and it is our job to accept and love them for where they are at.
If you have any questions on this topic or you’d like to learn more about Inner Work, you may email me at alexis@synergywellnesslv.com or check out Aligning with Alexis.